The Ferrari Brain Diaries: A Story of Burnout, AuDHD, and Starting Over — Part I

A Journey Through Burnout, Self-Discovery, and Finding Purpose

A couple of years ago, I hit rock bottom with burnout. Like, full-on “staring-at-my-computer-screen-doing-nothing-but-eat-and-sleep” vibes. And now? Somehow, I’m a college student at 32 years old, have an ADHD and Autism diagnosis, and am writing here on Substack like I have a thousand subscribers (I don’t), working toward building a career in writing and psychology. Life is weird. Buckle up—this is my story.

I grew up with what many would call a charmed life: loving family, a roof over my head, and luxuries that many people could not afford. My parents didn’t spoil me or anything—I wasn’t like Dudley in Harry Potter on Christmas counting 36 gifts—but we were more than comfortable. Our home felt like a normal childhood home to me, and our family vacations were just normal family vacations. Material stuff never really mattered to me (except for computers. I love computers. and phones. love phones. scratch that I love all sorts of technology). I always felt my true wealth was in the family that I’m lucky to have. Growing up was fine until middle school. That’s when things started to go sideways.

Middle School: A Hellish Carnival of Anxiety

It was like walking into a battlefield everyday armed with terrible comebacks and crippling social anxiety. My so-called friends joined forces with the bullies to make my life miserable. It was hell. Daily ridicule? Check. Feeling like an alien trapped in my own body? Also check. My anxiety was on a rampage and I even developed shingles—yes, shingles as a literal child because even my nerves were trying to leave this meatsuit.

Around that time, I had my first psychological evaluation. The doctor said I was gifted (thanks!) but also had “ADD tendencies” (no thanks!). “Your brain is like a Ferrari and your hand is like a push cart” the doctor said. Cool metaphor, what am I supposed to do with that? Still, I was proud of the “gifted” label and my high IQ, at the time (it has since dropped some points). Did it help me academically? Absolutely not.

The Academic Spiral

My grades started to go down hill after I got my first C—in Spanish class, no less (I’m Cuban-American)—and from there I tumbled into an abyss of mediocrity. I managed to make it out of middle and high school with a C average, with some D’s sprinkled in there. Anxiety and depression were a constant. I’d been to therapy on and off for years but at 16 I was actually diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I got diagnosed with ADD. It felt validating, but I didn’t really understand it and was too caught up in my own world to give enough of a shit about it to make it my superpower or whatever. I remember trying to set up accommodations but either giving up or forgetting at some point, because, evidently, they didn’t help. I tried a few different medications for depression, anxiety, and ADHD, and nothing seemed to work. All I knew was I needed to get the f*ck out of my home state. ASAP. So, I did.

College Attempt #1: Chaos and Heartbreak

In college, I got good grades at first but with a troubling relationship that I was willingly a part of for four plus years, despite the pain it caused me, I was often in a low mood and distracting myself with video games and alcohol. I, like many other Autistic people, was sexually assaulted in this time by someone who claimed to love me. Multiple times. I felt like I was at rock bottom. But I never gave up. I just kept going.

I continued to take meds, despite them making me feel like I was outside of my body. They caused sexual dysfunction, as well, making relationship matters worse. Nothing was helping me with school. I didn’t know what to do. After three years of trying at university and several medical leaves, I eventually withdrew. Defeated, I moved back home.

Hitting Reset: Community College and New Beginnings

A few months later, I decided to go for my Associate’s degree at the community college in my city. I got into a new relationship and started a new job at a video game store. I finally was having good times again. Eventually, meds were out of the picture and I continued to try life without the support I needed, despite many years of doing therapy and trying medications. It was hard and I was exhausted. But I kept going.

At some point, a friend and I had decided we wanted to go to a university together in another city in our state. So, we moved in together (with my boyfriend, at the time) and things were great for a while. I attempted to balance school and work, as a barista then, and was still exhausted. All of the time. I should’ve been used to it by now. It was too much for me. Eventually, I was unable to keep up with school or show up at all sometimes, for that matter. So in 2017, after 7 years of working toward getting my bachelor’s degree in Web Design, I finally did give up on school. It felt like the best decision I could have made for myself at the time — alongside the second big breakup I had.

That’s where Part I ends—for now. If you’d like to know what happens next, make sure you’re subscribed so you receive Part II in your inbox when it’s published!

Here’s the link to Part II.

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Disclaimer: Even though my first few attempts at taking medication failed, I am not against medication and am even on a few now that I’ve found work better for me, thus my ability to post consistently and focus on schoolwork now! More on that in the second part.

Let’s Network in the Comments: If you’re growing on Substack, tell me what you write about. I’ll check out your Stack and read through and restack any posts I think might resonate with my audience.

Check out my other recent posts:

More than Just Play: The Cognitive Benefits of Video Games

The Power of Creation: How Creativity Transforms Your Mind, Life, and the World

Conquer Burnout: Reclaiming Your Energy and Well-Being

Set Yourself Free From Mental Shackles and Unleash Your True Potential: a Pep Talk for Dreamers

To Achieve it You Have to Believe that you CAN

This Month and Every Month—Understanding Autism